A to Z me?

From a Facebook application:

Dear Me - A Letter to my Sixteen-Year-Old Self

This is the name of a book out here for Christmas, for which some celebrities were asked: "If you were to write a letter to your 16-year-old self, what would it say?" It contains their letters and some of the sale proceeds go to Elton John's Aid Foundation charity. Most advise their younger self not to take up smoking, or to be confident in their budding career paths. There's a blank page in the book for the owner to add their own letter.

I've had the book a couple of weeks and wondered what I would write knowing that at 16 I was only a few years away from some fundamental events and changes that I still feel the ripples from now. Do I regret things, would I change things? Perhaps a few tweaks to save some personal pain, but if I hadn't meet and married my first husband, I wouldn't have been "in place", after divorce, for friendship to turn to love and marry my second husband, and our son would not have subsequently been born. And whilst I would have loved to avoid depression, it has taught and continues to teach me lessons that I need to know for my journey and brings me closer to a more positive soul.

It's taken some thinking, but here's a letter I might possibly have written. Sadly I don't have any pictures of me at 16 to share, as my parents stopped taking photos of me after about 8 years old. My non-school photos only re-start after A'levels at 18.




Dear Miss 16

As I look back, with the benefit of hindsight, here are some words of advice to you, my younger self:

1. Always remember that you are worth it, not worth sh*t. Beauty can be found on the inside, not just as an outer covering.
2. In the big scheme of things, when, in the summer, you're disppointed that you “only get a C in O’level English Language”, this is really not a problem to mentally beat yourself up about. In fact, History and Art, in which you also get C's, will be much more important to you in later life than the Latin in which you get an A.
3. The most important person who truly loves you should be yourself, and you are worthy of that love.
4. Ask your grandparents to talk to you about their childhoods – it will help with your family history research later. You will also then be able to go to the Hampshire Records Office more easily, whilst you still live near Winchester, rather than now when you live hundreds of miles away. Also tell them how much you love them and give them a hug from time to time - Granny Leyshon will start to appreciate them later.
5. Some men will say anything to get into your pants. And when, at 20, that happens, tell someone in authority then. It was not your fault, and it will save yourself some guilt in the long run.
6. Leave when you’re cheated on – it’s about them, not you. You are worth so much more than that. And whilst we're at it, don't look for father figures, it doesn't work out.
7. Sadly you were right at 8 about your parents, they are unable to help or tell you that they love you in the way you need, but you are strong. So wipe the bedtime tears away, find happiness in your music and start to learn who you are. In a few years, your dad will walk out, your mum will temporarily fall apart, and neither will see your efforts or pain, so you need to build yourself up for that. Forgive them, they tried their best, but you can't change them. Your parents have to want to change, for things to be different for their relationships with your son.
8. Binge eating does not count in building yourself up, so please don’t start. A hole in your soul cannot be fed - it has to be personal, spiritual growth.
9. Remember to sparkle as much as possible :)


All my love,



Julie aged 40 something


P.S. Change your forename as soon as you can – it may be only one letter but “Julia” is so not you.

Life's journey

I'm feeling a little lost at the moment - not sure of my direction or purpose - but still making the journey and hoping that direction will become clearer in time. The art above is from my Believe Book. Perhaps this is the occasional rest needed before a bigger reveal. x

Easily spotted?

Why don't leopards escape from the zoo for long?

Because they are easily spotted.

(Actually a jaguar at Chester Zoo, but just an excuse to post my picture from our summer visit there ;) )

xx

Hair Down Day

I have so much hair that usually I wear it up, as it's so long. But yesterday I had such a migraine that today I thought I'd wear my hair down, as yesterday it felt like I could feel every hair follicle at strain. The only thing is it gets in the way - tangled in things - but today it's only the hair that's down.

xx

Thank you for bee-ing there for me

(One of my photos taken in the summer during a visit to the gardens in Chester Zoo)

Being Julie

From tomorrow, "Julie" is a year older - either aged 1 or 2, as last year was the first birthday I celebrated as "Julie" rather than "Julia - preferred name: Julie" or "Julia pretending to be a Julie", so I think tomorrow is my 2nd birthday as Julie, although I missed the 0 years, or were they the first 40 odd years?

Julia was my legal name, although actually both Julie and Julia appeared on my copy of my birth certificate although not at the same time. Julie was typed first and then, as it was back in the days of typewriters and correcting ribbons, the final "e" was removed and an "a" replaced over it. Over the years I wondered about the legality of my birth certificate as the Registrar's amendment was never signed or initialled and my parents never sought it to be amended, intending to call me "Julie", but for 40 odd years I was a "Julia pretending to be a Julie".

"Julia" had most of the qualifications, the driver's licence, the passport, although the name that I was known by had very little, so it was like being 2 people. Julia was business-like, straight-forward, fairly emotion-less, although she had my medical history, whilst Julie was child-like, a free-spirit, inquiring, but emotionally out of balance. I hoped the name change last year would bring the two-sides together, to bring balance, but so far it has highlighted how little I know about the true me.

A blank page? I think so after a year of some confusion, for I see now I have the time to start to define me rather than run away from the fear that I don't know who I am. Life begins at 40, they say, well for me it was in my 42nd year that I prepared to change my name - it had to be 42 that I did it otherwise I'd never get the courage up (Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy's answer to everything). So as my first official year of existence closes today, I am more hopeful for the next. I like being Julie - a jewel shining through.

xx

Facebook Fun Button of the Day 2

Facebook Fun Button of the Day

The One That Got Away?

We went to Yorkshire last week and one day we went to an aquarium in Scarborough. We took our cameras and took photos of the fish, the seals that they rescued there and two otters... Anyway, I was trying to take some pictures in a particular tank, but the fish were not playing ball and kept swimming away as I tried to get a photo.

But then this made me think. Sometimes we chase that elusive "fish". "Just one more time and it will work out next time," and sometimes it does and that's good, but other times we hold out for something unrealistic and forget about other things happening all round us because we have our attention on only the one thing, whether it's realistic or not.

Sometimes it's the timing that's wrong and the "fish" comes round again.

We just have to keep an eye open for the opportunities, to not close ourselves off too much. It maybe the "fish" that got away that leads to better things or to a special moment later.

xx