(Son's sand drawing at Brittas Bay, on one of the best days of my life)I want to let go of my bad past, but in its talon-like grip, it still holds me, piercing my flesh, holding on. A smell, a song, a thought, a memory or sensation, and memories and nightmares from upto 20 years ago, pouring in as if it was yesterday, tightening the grip, ignoring my will. My hand is limp, so tired from the effort, exhausted from the fight, but the talons are strong, hurting just enough to keep it, unwilling, in my mind and keep the nightmares coming back from time to time. The memories of threats, insults, blows (both physical and mental), of bullying amd harsh treatment to keep me down, to keep me feeling undeserving... But there is still a little bit of me, defiant, unrubbed out, that doesn't believe, that is a whisper but who wants to shout. That little flame, a spark, waiting for the freeing breathe to become a fire.
This week I have been offered counselling through a charities-run mental health network who want to help me to deal with the past and then give me tools to strengthen me for the here and now. And so this week, whilst the work will be hard, I am hopeful that one day I will feel free and safe (finally).
:)
