Now and then, in the between

I realised this a few weeks ago. I always would say to myself that I was going to do this and/or that when I was slimmer, when I had enough money, time, when I was good enough, stronger, more well etc. I presume that you get the picture... I was looking to the future rather than thinking about now, in the between, in the meantime. I would love myself when I was... etc. ... I then realised (and am still working on this) that I love myself for being me. Yes I'm unhappy with my size, the weight is a protection I developed relatively recently in the last 16-17 years after my first marriage but that's not me, it's my past wrapped bodily around me, and as I let go, that need will go too, because I'm protecting me from ME. There is a distinction about being happy with myself but wanting to lose the weight, because of what it represents - guilt, feeling not good enough, hating myself, punishing myself for perceived failures or failings and the troubling, unresolved aspects of my past. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and am working towards new colours, new experiences of things that have always been there but not really experienced until now. I am a work-in-progress but am working on it now, in the meantime, a day at a time.

A weight coming off

For the last 10 years or so, I've had a weight problem. I did lose 50lbs about 6 years ago, but almost as soon as the scales showed the 50lbs loss, my weight started to go back, plus a few more stone for good measure. Over the next years I tried to lose some weight again, would get so far and then it would creep back and I couldn't understand why. Then I had a lightbulb moment from my past.

I was quite gangly as a child and young adult, but I was a late developer, and as I entered my 20s-30s, I got to be noticed - more than I could handle. My natural friendliness was mistaken for other intentions, and I was hurt. My weight crept up and people stopped noticing me and I felt safe. It came to me that my weight had become my coat, held tight, as protection against those unwanted remarks and attention, and that as people started to notice the losses, I felt too far out of comfort. A few years ago, I joined a weight management group but was discharged from it because my losses were discouraging others, but without the support and help it had given me, the emptiness came back and I ate to fill that hole my soul has. It was then that I realised I needed counselling about the abuse I suffered as a child and a young adult, as the hurt had never been addressed and it was that that possibly was driving my need not to be noticed by people other than my husband - luckily he loves me big or small. Over the recent years slowly I have come to love myself and be happy with me, learning what looks good on me and how to use my height to minimise knowledge of my actual size but my weight is potentially a health problem as I get older.

So, I'm going to try again but I have some strategies. 1. I'm going to blog the losses periodically to confront my "public" noticing problems, 2. I've found a style of clothes that I can use as my coat, but which express my arty side - its German name is Lagenlook, meaning layered (example above), but the clothes are worn as you want, big or fluidy - one size fits all. So I can lose my weight and learn more about the new me, regardless of others' gaze - well that's the theory.

At the start of this week I was 17st 4 (242 lb), and today I was 17st 1.5. I'm not dieting as such, just making more healthier choices on foods - swapping crisps for apples etc. I know that weight is an up and down thing from day-to-day, but I'm aiming for down over time. One rule - don't ask me how I'm doing - I'll tell you - as asking = attention in my faulty thinking and for the moment I'm letting go of only so much of my past coping strategies, but this is a start and one step can still make a journey happen.

So...