Good news, bad news

I've just heard that my psychiatrist has referred me for further help with my binge eating and chances are the assessment wouldn't come when my son's off school for summer, so he won't see me as upset as I get when I have mental health appointments. However, the waiting time for therapy is apparently 12-14months. So I shall be avoiding big red buses, as I wouldn't want to miss my turn for help and counselling on this...

xx

"Let's Have a Clearout"

"Let's have a Clearout" he'd say

And funnily his stuff would stay

Whilst mine was thrown out.

But later I had a clearout.

And my stuff stayed

And he was thrown out :)

-

[It's someone else's photo of a garage sale in Quebec, but it just went with this thought :) xx]

Bingeing

The last few weeks have been hard.

Pandora's box hasn't shut as I've been for an appointment with "my" psychiatrist to access help for my binge eating and issues with the past, and am hopeful of receiving some longer-term, perhaps psychodynamic, counselling. But because of all this picking over the past, particularly over some things I had managed to forget or have less in the foreground of my mind, my anxiety levels have increased and my bingeing has returned. The positive is that I'm still lower than the weight I was when I started in November, but the scales said 16st 4 this morning. I've managed to fight the urge to binge today and tomorrow should be easier as hubby and son are about, so I won't binge. I've had 2 very mild panic attacks this week, either that or it's sugar craving brought back by the bingeing - I got in from Tescos weekly shop and just had to sit down as I was so shaky and anxious. This week I've brought a lot more fruit and less crisps. I've another psych appointment today re my pension refund and then "my" psychiatrist wants to see me and hubby in just under a month to discuss "the way forward". I so want to be positive, but I have to admit I'm not looking forward to relooking at my past, its pain and the negative effect it has on me, but know that I have to do this to release the poison and get it out.

xx

Gratitude

I'm grateful for the positivity of others for reminding me who I truly am, from time to time, particularly when my true self is lost under the mist of depression. Thank you. Julie xx

Protection

Tight as a ball I curl
My armour against the mental knives.
Like bony fingers
Between my ribs
Each word hits
And finds its target, soft.
And old wounds reopen
As power leaks away

The Eternal Optimist?

It's been raining here since breakfast-time, and it is still pouring now, but as I drove to pick my son up from school, I saw an Ice Cream van by a popular local walking place - the only thing parked on the road. Admittedly this is near to JCB's main factory, so, although it might seem foolhardy, perhaps the Ice Cream seller isn't as daft as it looked. Or perhaps this is the sign of an eternal optimist? Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me to take a photo, but found the above on the net - now that has to be an optimist :)

xx

On Opening Pandora's Box

This has been a hard week.

About 6 months ago I was advised to make a claim on an income protection clause I didn't know I had on my personal pension plan which at the moment I've been still paying into even though I've not worked for over a decade now. I was in two minds to make the claim as I knew that it would mean assessments by doctors as insurance companies always want to turn claims down (which they couldn't in my case as it was made on a historic basis, as me being out of work is undisputable) and then if they can't do that, then they want exit strategies to keep the payments out low. Oh joy, the doctors they're employing to give them impartial medical advice on a hour or so's meeting. Me, cynic? of course not ;)

Monday, I had such an assessment and I was surprised. Yes, I've felt like poo since, having to remember/recall as much as my addled brain can about things in some cases I have started to forget and trying to piece together timelines when I can't remember what I started talking about 2-5 minutes ago. But luckily the psychiatrist was understanding - sometimes a rarity, it feels, as others keep looking at their watches seemingly thinking of their queues or which round hole they can put this square peg into to best show how their targets are being met. Oh well, don't mind me then, we must meet your targets...

Anyway he said to take care as we said goodbye and offered to write to the mental health team that I'm hopefully going back to, to have another bite at the cherry or even help me to help myself, saying that he would look through all the doctors' notes he'd been given to do the assessment, the notes he had taken and would like see me next week to go through it and decide on a forward plan. However, when I got home and told the middle people for the pension people, they were not happy about that (having further meeting = further cost and expense for the insurance company), so it's looking like that won't happen, unfortunately, as he seemed supportive, as I said that I was trying to be assessed for BPD.

The middle people said that they would get back to me (and haven't so far). Why do people always say that when they would know from my medical claim I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety? I once told some such HR/personnel/pensions person nearly 5 years ago that the worst thing someone could do was to tell someone with anxiety that something was going to happen "shortly" and then not do it for over a fortnight... which was particularly as they were part of my ex-employer who'd a few years before had had a big thing about "managing customers' expectation" - obviously it didn't last.

That night all the thoughts, scenes and words of the past ran round my head. And the nightmares kept me from sleep for a lot of the night, tears uncontrollable, hot on my face. The racing thoughts ran the next day, but since then I've managed to put back the past that had emerged back.

I was supposed to be doing an Open University essay for my Art History course this week, but luckily I've been able to put back hand-in date till next week, as I knew this was likely to the case. Sometimes I wish I had a broken arm as you'd never be asked to lift a weight just to see how the injury's healing and its new breaking point, picking at the scabs and scars.

xx

Visual Gag - "More Tee, Vicar?"

And just in case, you've not hear of the expression this visual pun is about, here's some other people's possible explanations to the meaning of the expression....

From Yahoo's Resolved Question [Identities removed and original spellings left]

"What does more tea vicar really mean ? Don't just say does the vicar want another brew !! I am sure it means something else ?"

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
"It's to cover up an embarrassing faux pas. A diversionary question..Always makes me laugh when I hear it. Conjures up a lovely picture...."

Asker's Comment: best not invite the vicar around for a while :)

Some of other replies:
"I have heard it used after someone burps. It goes something like this....More tea vicar? might as well you had all the cakes!!!It's all done in the best possible taste...."

"I believe it's actually a line from Miss Marple and I think it's a bit of a mickey take of the british way of doing things - ie ignoring something embaressing and changing the subject."

"It means "give me some more tea", when you're talking to a vicar."

"Don't some people say "more tea vicar" when they fart?"

POSTSCRIPT: And here's our cat just after I'd taken the photo, and just before she chased the golf tees around the front room... :)

Visual Gag - "Stick to your Ticket, Harry"

[Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

[Hagrid and Harry have just been to Diagon Alley to buy all his books and wand for year 1 at Hogwarts]

HAGRID: What are you looking at? [Said to a passerby in Kings' Cross train station]. Blimey is that time? Sorry Harry, but I'm gonna have to leave you. Dumbledore would be wanting his... Well, he'd be wanting to see me. Now, your train leaves in 10 minutes. Here's your ticket. Stick to it Harry, that's very important. Stick to your ticket.

HARRY: Platform 9 ¾? But, Hagrid, there must be a mistake. This says Platform 9 ¾. There's no such thing. Is there? [But Hagrid has disappeared!]]

The Art of Words

Last week, on holiday, we went to the Hay Literary Festival and one of the exhibit areas had a magnetic board area, with works of art made from words. This was made from folded words and pages by a professional artist (Sam Winston) from the words of Romeo and Juliet:

And this inspired me just to make a wheel of words that I was just drawn to on the magnetic boards. This was my first go.... xx

The Art of Words 2

And then after a while, this "poem" just formed... Rather random but it looked good xx

A free choice?

Today I get to vote for the candidates I like. But what if I don't like any of them?

It's the first time I get a vote as Julie, having always voted under the legal name that someone else (not my parents) chose for me, so I want it to count, but what if you have so little faith in the system or the people at the moment and so almost no choice. I know who I don't want to get in but who should I vote for to ensure that? - rhetorical question. Can I have a negative vote, take one off their score as I definitely don't want them to win but often the biggest winner here is apathy with some of the country's lowest turnouts here so one vote could be crucial.

I stare at my polling card (I have voted since writing and posting this). I hate when there's supposed to be a free vote but in reality there's little real choice, as you have to choose how best to keep the bad choice out. Some free election!

(I feel much better after getting that off my chest) :) xx

Not/Stupid ****WARNING Frank language****

****WARNING Frank language****

Bitch.

Slut.

Stupid.

Moron.

Not words of endearment,

But terms used against me

By those who were supposed to love me

Mother, father, long ago ex-lover.

So how was I supposed to love myself

When those supposed to show me

Used such epithets

But I make mistakes to learn

That makes me wiser, not stupid.

And inside I know

They were said to hurt

And they did.

And on dark days,

They still do.

Oh no, that curse of creativity

Been away for a while, with no words to say really but today words, phrases and ideas are bubbly away and wanting to escape... may be a bit random today, but it won't stay in today.

xx