I am What I am (2)

Probably one of my biggest fears comes from not really know who I am - the fear that I am nothing, a nobody. Most people see themselves as defined by their roots, their locality or character. I moved so much that I often feel that I had no roots, no "home" and not enough time anywhere to develop a character, no sense of self.

Upto 16 years ago, ask what I called "home" and it would be my mum's house and not my own with my then husband. I was defined by my academic achievements, a job I hated, somebody's wife. Although the place where I lived then was very beautiful, half-way up the Malvern Hills and looking out onto the Severn Valley, it wasn't home, where you could be who you wanted to be, to me. Not that home was ever truly that to me in those days.

I am still trying to find me but at least now I have a home.

xx

I'm not insignificant

In the scheme of things, the probability of life starting on a planet has to be so astronomically small. The right combination of chemicals, living conditions etc all coming together, but here we are.

If we have no purpose then that is mind-depressingly numbing, all those very small probabilities, co-incidences whatever coming together to have even smaller chances of life existing and surviving meaning nothing? I like to think that there are reasons and that there are definite reasons why particular things happen or particular people come into our lives. And this means that I have as much right as anyone else of being here.

I refuse to be insignificant, to be an infinitely small probability (at least sometimes in my life).

The page above is from a small scrapbook I made to remind to believe in myself on days I found my courage slipping away.

This blog is dedicated to all those in need of that courage today.

xx

Peace Day 21 Sept 2009

Came across this on http://www.peacedaycampaign.com/

Serendipity or bizarre

I'm in the middle of an OU final essay, which is why I've been silent on the blogging front, but I just had to mention this, as it is so strange, completely true, though.

We've got building works on at the moment (hubby does pick his time to convert the garage, I know) and yesterday they were ripping up our front grass to put some block paving down for parking. They had a mini digger and my car was in the way so they asked nicely for me to move it. As I went outside to do so, I noticed a horseshoe in the newly revealed earth - this would have been under our front garden.

Our house is built on top of an old colliery and the horse that wore the shoe must have been a shire horse as it's massive, but it was just so strange a thing to find under our lawn, although, our garage used to be the sale room for the housing development - perhaps the lawn was one of the first things built and the original builders were superstitious, and buried it there? Any way it's now in our front conservatory and will go into hubby's office as he's relocating his business into our garage (once converted). Now is that horseshoe serendipity or is that just so bizarre? It's a bit rusty and will need a clean, but I'm taking it as a good omen for Hubby and his business and for our life here, although we've been here 6 years and the horseshoe has only revealed itself now. Strange, isn't?

xx

Echoes from the Past

Don't look at me too closely,

Don't tell me of my beauty,

For I've been told I'm undeserving

And so am not yet ready to believe

That there's anything good I could ever do

Or that I'm ever quite enough

For I was told "You're stupid"

And was never good enough.

I deserve enough to love me

I deserve enough to care

But compliments I bat away

Because I'm not quite there.

But one day I'll accept it

One day it will be me

And each day's a step towards it

The day I learn to love me,

Completely.

xx