A Whispered update

I weighed myself first thing today (as I do most days - recording the ups and downs) and the scales said 16st 5.75. This is whispered at the moment, as I'm not sure if it's a permanent loss yet or one that I may face a few times until I'm able to accept it as me and move on. Each loss requires a mental adjustment - it's like an internal dialogue: "I've lost this weight, but am I able to see myself as this weight or will I have an adjustment back, before I'm happy that that's now me?" May sound daft, but that's how it seems. One stone is beckoning and that will be a milestone in many ways and less of a millstone in others. So no fireworks for the moment, but if my weight stays around this for the next few days, I'll officially welcome it with the usual celebrations xx

PS just joined a Facebook group for Eating Disorder Awareness week which is next week, as I'm a reforming binge-eater. Each day is still a battle, but slowly my new strategies seem to be holding up.

And the Oscar for the Best Actress Goes to...

When I was first signed off work with depression and anxiety, I used to go in to visit once a month to maintain some contact with my colleagues. I didn’t know how long I was going to be off and at that time, I saw some of them as friends, although now I know that some just kept me with them in a very negative atmosphere. Some people would ask me how I was, not really wanted to hear anything other than “OK” or “Getting there” and one particular colleague caught me in a moment of honesty and was rather shocked when I turned round and said “Do you really wanted to know, or do you just want me to say fine and then you can feel that you cared?” – I never particularly liked him, he ignored me usually at work, you don’t think it showed, do you??

Anyway, the first time I went back for a visit, people did show some concern and one came up to me and whispered “Do you know, of all people here that I thought would have depression, you weren’t one of them?” She meant it honestly, as kindly as she could be, to which I said “I’d actually had depression before and had just a short time off that time, but that I was good at not looking depressed or showing my feelings – I had had years of practice.”

I never went back to work there and in fact still remain on long term sick leave, although now I am unemployed. Gradually I stopped going back and slowly I stopped contact, partly because some of the people I had been true friends with left the place soon after I had gone on sick leave. My husband remains in the industry and there just a few people who ask after me now.

But with all the talk of best actors and best actresses, this blog is actually going to end on those in the best supporting role. For me, the award would primarily go to my hubby and my son, for all the help, support, tear wiping, smiles, laughs, good and bad times they have got us through. But there would also be special mentions to my close friends, here and elsewhere, whose words, blogs and comments inspire me. This one is for you all xx

A Weight lifted Update 10

Double figures - hooray!!! I'm down to 16st 7 3/4 and that's even after pizza and chocolate cake (small slices) at the weekend as St Valentine's Day is hubby's birthday - I'm sure the post man thinks hubby is a very popular person with all the cards just before or on Valentine's Day ;) LOL.

Anyway 16st 7 3/4 makes it a total loss since tail-end of November last year of 10 1/4 lb. So not just are the updates in double figures, but so are the losses :)

xx

I think I saw it for just a moment

Yesterday I had errands to run, so parked my car and was walking to my first task, when suddenly I felt so alive. I could feel the difference in my clothes' waistband with the weight that I have lost, I felt confident, as though I was walking on air and I smiled to people as I went passed them, although not too many smiles were returned. It was others who looked at their shoes at that moment. I got my first task done and then drove to the supermarket to get a few things.

I don't normally shop at that particular branch, although it's nearest from home, as I usually use a smaller version that's on the way from dropping my son off for his school bus, but no school today, so it was its bigger brother today, as I was that side of town. I walked in and the full confidence was gone, as they recently enlarged the bigger store, making it evener bigger and less personal, which was another reason I stop using it, as it drained too much out of me, mentally walking round. It did again yesterday, as I usually don't write a shopping list - I hate lists, it's an ex-husband thing, too many reminders of mental beatings, hatelists, lists of hate in his hands - so I usually wander up and down, but in the bigger store, its size and layout only make me feel smaller, even when I only need a few things. So I'll be avoiding that big store again, and will be back to its smaller less intimidating relation, but before stepping into the supermarket void - a negative black hole, buy this, need that, hate yourself for not having this (not that I do but they become seductive places to spend and spend and then feel guilt) - I felt good about myself, so maybe the feeling will stay for a bit longer next time :)

xx

A Happy Meal

The Invisible Girl

Not there to be loved,

Never leaving an impression.

Like a ripple in the memory,

Seen by the mind's eye,

But invisible to others.

Not seen by the boys as a girlfriend

Never wanting to be a tomboy

But always seen by those

For bullying, name calling and abuse:

No sudden transparency there.

I was the invisible girl

For love, but not for hate.

[That's then, not now]

A Weight Lifted Update 9

I seem to have moved on from the 16st 11-16st 9 battle and the next hurdle seems to be to make 16st 7. However I'm still losing the weight and today I'm 16st 8 1/4, although I did make it to 16st 7 3/4 this week for one day. Only a few more pounds and it will be a stone. I haven't been this light for a good few years. Still winning.

Total weight lost now: 9 3/4 lb

xx

On Contemplating my Belly Button

The title just came to me at 4.00am this morning as I lay awake and it got me thinking wouldn’t it be a great blog or poem title as it brought suddenly to mind my school days and having to dissect Keat’s sonnet “On First Looking into Chapman’s Homer” (1816) in English Lit. But then I don’t think I could do a sonnet because it sounded like one to me – Wendy Cope is best for those. So I’ll just have to write a blog with that name until the muse takes me for a poetic attempt.

xx

PS This is John Keat’s sonnet that I had to dissect and in the vein of “Whose Line is It Anyway?” a thousand points apiece for all the classical references you spot. Nowadays they would just write a book review and say “I liked it a lot”, I’m sure :)

On First Looking into Chapman's Homer
Much have I travell'd in the realms of gold,

And many goodly states and kingdoms seen;

Round many western islands have I been

Which bards in fealty to Apollo hold.

Oft of one wide expanse had I been told

That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne;

Yet did I never breathe its pure serene

Till I heard Chapman speak out loud and bold:

Then felt I like some watcher of the skies

When a new planet swims into his ken;

Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes

He star'd at the Pacific — and all his men

Look'd at each other with a wild surmise —

Silent, upon a peak in Darien.

Stuck/unstuck

At the moment my weight seems to be moving between 16st 11 and 16st 9. I'm having to fight my thoughts hard, as part of me still wants to hold on, part of me is fearful and I'm trying to fight that fear and move on. But now that I recognise this, I can acknowledge it, see if it is helping - no - and think myself a new way.

xx

The Icing

Snowy solitude

Crisp stillness

In white

As dark falls

Sugar white

Pink light

Against the grey

As darkness falls

xx

Snow Print Trail Leads to Suspect - D'oh

From AOL's Strange but True News:

A suspected burglar was arrested after police followed a set of footprints left in the snow from the scene of a break-in, a force spokesman said. Officers responded to a call from the Ivy Leaf Club in Burnhope, County Durham after an intruder alarm was triggered. A small amount of cash was taken from a safe in the bar, and police spotted a set of tracks in the snow leading away from the club.

Not Enough Love in the World?

A friend of mine wrote a blog that so hit a note with me, as I enjoy giving and caring unconditionally, but some people view that with suspicion and questions.

My friend in his blog said: "...I try to maintain a positive outlook...Yet often, my positivity is greeted with suspicion...They are so absorbed with negative aspects, they dismiss my positive intentions and twist it into a negative. 'Let's 'catch' him out. He must have some 'hidden agenda'. What's in it for him?'. I do understand this type of thinking. For when you have been subjected to relentless emotional torment; it is difficult to appreciate or recognise unconditional empathy.
So just what's in it for me? I hope that by trying to help, to support those who have been undermined and disrespected, I help them, I help myself. Together, we can find our direction home. Wont you come along with me as we discover our true direction in life? Together we can inspire through the power of empathy. I throw you a 'lifejacket', please do not perceive it as an 'anchor'. " [Khalanie, Where are We Going? (28.1.2009) http://klahanie.blogspot.com/ ]

I'm a Random Acts of Kindness sort of person when I can, because sometimes I feel that people lose what it is to be human, to care, to give and not to expect or need anything back in return. I'm no mug: I aim not to let people use me, but I'm a Pay it Forward believer, and would rather that the good feeling was spread out to others than return back to me only, although that is fine too to recharge my positivity. I like to celebrate success both in me and in others and it was with that motive that I thought about organising a gift for someone I see as a role model - the singer Brian Kennedy - to celebrate his 20th year in the music business. I encountered negativity through apathy, but some people have got the idea (it was so not about me) and we're working together on it. Fingers crossed it works out xx