A New Path in my Journey

Well, I have been a bit quiet for a while, but there has been a reason... hubby and I have separated, on amicable terms.  So son and I have just moved into rented accommodation, with packed cases as far as the eye can see, although the cats seem to have already chosen some favourite spots.

The change has not been without its hard and tough times and I'm sure there will be such times to come, but this is a time for new possibilities, new adventures, new opportunities and a new path, only just revealed in the last few weeks and months.  On another positive, I've lost over a stone (19 lbs) from packing boxes and a decision taken not to binge eat.

Struggling against the Bars

My past is my cage
And some days it's tight,
Keeping my arms by my side
Squeezing the breath and my flesh
Like a mask for a face
That's not mine.
But other days I'm a bird
Let free to soar,
And see all the colours
And more.

My weight is my cage
Hanging heavy on my limbs
But I want to be rid now.
I look to the future
But I can't see today
How to get through.
So I must look to the bird
Unburdened and free
To see how the weight
Can be lost
By slipping my chains
Or struggling against the bars
For a while.

A Weight Lifted update 1

My weight was a bit up and down for this 1st week, but ended up at 17st 2.5. So the coat has a little bit of a sleeve starting to be rolled up...

Start weight 17st 4
Loss this week: 1.5 lbs

A weight coming off

For the last 10 years or so, I've had a weight problem. I did lose 50lbs about 6 years ago, but almost as soon as the scales showed the 50lbs loss, my weight started to go back, plus a few more stone for good measure. Over the next years I tried to lose some weight again, would get so far and then it would creep back and I couldn't understand why. Then I had a lightbulb moment from my past.

I was quite gangly as a child and young adult, but I was a late developer, and as I entered my 20s-30s, I got to be noticed - more than I could handle. My natural friendliness was mistaken for other intentions, and I was hurt. My weight crept up and people stopped noticing me and I felt safe. It came to me that my weight had become my coat, held tight, as protection against those unwanted remarks and attention, and that as people started to notice the losses, I felt too far out of comfort. A few years ago, I joined a weight management group but was discharged from it because my losses were discouraging others, but without the support and help it had given me, the emptiness came back and I ate to fill that hole my soul has. It was then that I realised I needed counselling about the abuse I suffered as a child and a young adult, as the hurt had never been addressed and it was that that possibly was driving my need not to be noticed by people other than my husband - luckily he loves me big or small. Over the recent years slowly I have come to love myself and be happy with me, learning what looks good on me and how to use my height to minimise knowledge of my actual size but my weight is potentially a health problem as I get older.

So, I'm going to try again but I have some strategies. 1. I'm going to blog the losses periodically to confront my "public" noticing problems, 2. I've found a style of clothes that I can use as my coat, but which express my arty side - its German name is Lagenlook, meaning layered (example above), but the clothes are worn as you want, big or fluidy - one size fits all. So I can lose my weight and learn more about the new me, regardless of others' gaze - well that's the theory.

At the start of this week I was 17st 4 (242 lb), and today I was 17st 1.5. I'm not dieting as such, just making more healthier choices on foods - swapping crisps for apples etc. I know that weight is an up and down thing from day-to-day, but I'm aiming for down over time. One rule - don't ask me how I'm doing - I'll tell you - as asking = attention in my faulty thinking and for the moment I'm letting go of only so much of my past coping strategies, but this is a start and one step can still make a journey happen.

So...