And the Oscar for the Best Actress Goes to...

When I was first signed off work with depression and anxiety, I used to go in to visit once a month to maintain some contact with my colleagues. I didn’t know how long I was going to be off and at that time, I saw some of them as friends, although now I know that some just kept me with them in a very negative atmosphere. Some people would ask me how I was, not really wanted to hear anything other than “OK” or “Getting there” and one particular colleague caught me in a moment of honesty and was rather shocked when I turned round and said “Do you really wanted to know, or do you just want me to say fine and then you can feel that you cared?” – I never particularly liked him, he ignored me usually at work, you don’t think it showed, do you??

Anyway, the first time I went back for a visit, people did show some concern and one came up to me and whispered “Do you know, of all people here that I thought would have depression, you weren’t one of them?” She meant it honestly, as kindly as she could be, to which I said “I’d actually had depression before and had just a short time off that time, but that I was good at not looking depressed or showing my feelings – I had had years of practice.”

I never went back to work there and in fact still remain on long term sick leave, although now I am unemployed. Gradually I stopped going back and slowly I stopped contact, partly because some of the people I had been true friends with left the place soon after I had gone on sick leave. My husband remains in the industry and there just a few people who ask after me now.

But with all the talk of best actors and best actresses, this blog is actually going to end on those in the best supporting role. For me, the award would primarily go to my hubby and my son, for all the help, support, tear wiping, smiles, laughs, good and bad times they have got us through. But there would also be special mentions to my close friends, here and elsewhere, whose words, blogs and comments inspire me. This one is for you all xx

Negative v.s positive

Yesterday my positivity evaporated - I got too close to a negative black hole - but it showed me as a reminder to keep myself away from negative energies and thoughts. I used to surround myself with negative people. I don't consciously seek it but they found me. And the thing about negative people, they don't build their esteem up, they knock yours down to their level, and zap your motive and energies. And it takes all your strength to stay positive around them - they are negative black holes and they leech your strengths out.

I chat and help others on a website for those recovering or seek to recover from mental illness, of which depression and anxiety (my original illnesses) are just a few. Together and separately, we each on the website and its portal are trying to find the ways that work for us to turn away from that black hole, and get some space between ourselves and it. And some ways will work, and some don't, but from each other we get new ideas or the fuel to keep moving away from the black hole, and sometimes we have to work alone, as we are the experts on our ups and downs. Something happened today, I found something I thought was lost (nothing really, just a phone charm I'd bought but which disappeared) and this revealed two things to me: 1. sometimes things/ideas etc are found when you aren't really looking for them or have stopped looking for them and 2. that sometimes light reveals much more than darkness does.

Advice isn't for everyone - it's for us to acknowledge that it is just advice and we can choose if we take it on board or discard it as not for us, but we do have a choice. It's what makes us us and not other people . Yesterday luckily there were people out there ready and willing to let me lean on them, and their words, compassion and empathy helped to repair the work negativity had done to me, as negativity is contagious, drawing you back if you’re not careful. In recovery I'm learning how to live with my illness, rather than it telling me what not to do. Keeping some positivity for me, but sending some out too, best wishes for today and the weekend, wherever they each find you, love xx

If I'm so OK, why don't I feel it?

I suffered from depression for nearly 10 years, really suffered. Most things were too hard. Hours became days, days ran into weeks and then years had gone by. I received counselling but my counsellors moved on as their job titles changed, and I was left feeling that I was “too hard” to “solve”, that no one wanted to get to the crux of the matter, as I felt that I couldn’t. What I didn’t realise was that that wasn’t their job but no one really explained that, or if they did, I wasn’t well enough to take it in.

I came to the end of my “allocation” of help and yet only little things had changed. I found that “loss” was a big problem for me – as counsellors came and went, just as I seem to be making progress… typical. But I have been able to make progress on my own and now I see myself as recovering, starting to walk back along the road, but not yet near my destination, wherever that’s supposed to be. So keep the faith and it will come…