Born to shine - a jewel shining through

In my 20s I was attacked by someone who I had seen as a father figure, someone who had talked me through my dad walking out and my parents divorcing, someone that had mentored me at work. And in that one moment I partly died, I didn’t stop moving, but my authentic self was completely crushed. This led me to situations and decisions that were not me as there was no real me anymore. Perhaps this was the start of the emptiness that I used food to try to fill. What I did not realize then was that food cannot give you the personal growth to fill a hole in the soul. My heart died but hearts can be resuscitated.

Despite the ice that had penetrated my heart, despite how much I hated myself, someone saw through and breathed life back in. I was a jewel inside a rock: my authentic self a diamond, uncut, burnt in the furnace, but still surviving and as people chipped bits away, my authentic self was still there, just well hidden and in need of that just one spark, one breathe. And little by little it has grown, consuming the poison and ice, a jewel shining through. I am not quite finished and I may be unpolished, but I am still a diamond, and we are all born to shine.

A weight coming off

For the last 10 years or so, I've had a weight problem. I did lose 50lbs about 6 years ago, but almost as soon as the scales showed the 50lbs loss, my weight started to go back, plus a few more stone for good measure. Over the next years I tried to lose some weight again, would get so far and then it would creep back and I couldn't understand why. Then I had a lightbulb moment from my past.

I was quite gangly as a child and young adult, but I was a late developer, and as I entered my 20s-30s, I got to be noticed - more than I could handle. My natural friendliness was mistaken for other intentions, and I was hurt. My weight crept up and people stopped noticing me and I felt safe. It came to me that my weight had become my coat, held tight, as protection against those unwanted remarks and attention, and that as people started to notice the losses, I felt too far out of comfort. A few years ago, I joined a weight management group but was discharged from it because my losses were discouraging others, but without the support and help it had given me, the emptiness came back and I ate to fill that hole my soul has. It was then that I realised I needed counselling about the abuse I suffered as a child and a young adult, as the hurt had never been addressed and it was that that possibly was driving my need not to be noticed by people other than my husband - luckily he loves me big or small. Over the recent years slowly I have come to love myself and be happy with me, learning what looks good on me and how to use my height to minimise knowledge of my actual size but my weight is potentially a health problem as I get older.

So, I'm going to try again but I have some strategies. 1. I'm going to blog the losses periodically to confront my "public" noticing problems, 2. I've found a style of clothes that I can use as my coat, but which express my arty side - its German name is Lagenlook, meaning layered (example above), but the clothes are worn as you want, big or fluidy - one size fits all. So I can lose my weight and learn more about the new me, regardless of others' gaze - well that's the theory.

At the start of this week I was 17st 4 (242 lb), and today I was 17st 1.5. I'm not dieting as such, just making more healthier choices on foods - swapping crisps for apples etc. I know that weight is an up and down thing from day-to-day, but I'm aiming for down over time. One rule - don't ask me how I'm doing - I'll tell you - as asking = attention in my faulty thinking and for the moment I'm letting go of only so much of my past coping strategies, but this is a start and one step can still make a journey happen.

So...