"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past will be different"

When I first heard Iyanla Vanzant say this on the Oprah Winifrey Show some 10 or so years ago, I thought I would never really be able to forgave as aspects of my past seemed so unfair. If only... why?... why not?... how could they/she/he/it?... if only they would change... But unless they wish it, you can't expect them to change just because you have, nor can you expect them to start to talk to you, to support you, to empathise, when they hadn't really before. Luckily I have a supportive hubby and son.

Now I am beginning to understand what Iyanla said and am starting to give up that hope and its negativity, to work towards letting go. I am beginning to forgive, I must learn how to forget.

And the Oscar for the Best Actress Goes to...

When I was first signed off work with depression and anxiety, I used to go in to visit once a month to maintain some contact with my colleagues. I didn’t know how long I was going to be off and at that time, I saw some of them as friends, although now I know that some just kept me with them in a very negative atmosphere. Some people would ask me how I was, not really wanted to hear anything other than “OK” or “Getting there” and one particular colleague caught me in a moment of honesty and was rather shocked when I turned round and said “Do you really wanted to know, or do you just want me to say fine and then you can feel that you cared?” – I never particularly liked him, he ignored me usually at work, you don’t think it showed, do you??

Anyway, the first time I went back for a visit, people did show some concern and one came up to me and whispered “Do you know, of all people here that I thought would have depression, you weren’t one of them?” She meant it honestly, as kindly as she could be, to which I said “I’d actually had depression before and had just a short time off that time, but that I was good at not looking depressed or showing my feelings – I had had years of practice.”

I never went back to work there and in fact still remain on long term sick leave, although now I am unemployed. Gradually I stopped going back and slowly I stopped contact, partly because some of the people I had been true friends with left the place soon after I had gone on sick leave. My husband remains in the industry and there just a few people who ask after me now.

But with all the talk of best actors and best actresses, this blog is actually going to end on those in the best supporting role. For me, the award would primarily go to my hubby and my son, for all the help, support, tear wiping, smiles, laughs, good and bad times they have got us through. But there would also be special mentions to my close friends, here and elsewhere, whose words, blogs and comments inspire me. This one is for you all xx

A weight coming off

For the last 10 years or so, I've had a weight problem. I did lose 50lbs about 6 years ago, but almost as soon as the scales showed the 50lbs loss, my weight started to go back, plus a few more stone for good measure. Over the next years I tried to lose some weight again, would get so far and then it would creep back and I couldn't understand why. Then I had a lightbulb moment from my past.

I was quite gangly as a child and young adult, but I was a late developer, and as I entered my 20s-30s, I got to be noticed - more than I could handle. My natural friendliness was mistaken for other intentions, and I was hurt. My weight crept up and people stopped noticing me and I felt safe. It came to me that my weight had become my coat, held tight, as protection against those unwanted remarks and attention, and that as people started to notice the losses, I felt too far out of comfort. A few years ago, I joined a weight management group but was discharged from it because my losses were discouraging others, but without the support and help it had given me, the emptiness came back and I ate to fill that hole my soul has. It was then that I realised I needed counselling about the abuse I suffered as a child and a young adult, as the hurt had never been addressed and it was that that possibly was driving my need not to be noticed by people other than my husband - luckily he loves me big or small. Over the recent years slowly I have come to love myself and be happy with me, learning what looks good on me and how to use my height to minimise knowledge of my actual size but my weight is potentially a health problem as I get older.

So, I'm going to try again but I have some strategies. 1. I'm going to blog the losses periodically to confront my "public" noticing problems, 2. I've found a style of clothes that I can use as my coat, but which express my arty side - its German name is Lagenlook, meaning layered (example above), but the clothes are worn as you want, big or fluidy - one size fits all. So I can lose my weight and learn more about the new me, regardless of others' gaze - well that's the theory.

At the start of this week I was 17st 4 (242 lb), and today I was 17st 1.5. I'm not dieting as such, just making more healthier choices on foods - swapping crisps for apples etc. I know that weight is an up and down thing from day-to-day, but I'm aiming for down over time. One rule - don't ask me how I'm doing - I'll tell you - as asking = attention in my faulty thinking and for the moment I'm letting go of only so much of my past coping strategies, but this is a start and one step can still make a journey happen.

So...