Just a short blog - is that a "slog"? - as I've an Art History assignment to do this week, but the holiday in Malvern was a real step forward. I had only one bit of a day where old memories, emotions came back, but I actually felt happiness and enjoyment in being in Malvern with hubby and son and visiting places I'd never been to before or seeing them again with new eyes. And I've lost my first stone of weight and am now 15.5lb lighter since Nov 2008, bringing my BMI down 2 points. 10% of my Art History assignment written - only another 2,650 words to go, by Friday - eeeek
xx
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
One step forward or one step back...
Next week we're on holiday and we're going to the Malvern Hills for a week. I love the area but it was also the scene of significant emotional crimes against me, as this was where my first husband and I lived during our marriage and before. But since then I've made new memories, as it was also the area where my second husband and I lived initially and where our son "lived" until 2 months before his birth, and next week we are going back to explore areas that we never went to when we lived there. So what might be a step back is actually a step forward as I'm facing my demons, making new memories and associations, and losing just a bit more fear...
xx
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Doing Something Funny...
Now I take a terrible picture - in the past very few of my photos ever looked like me, but in the interests of Comic Relief and just for a laugh, I'm posting this picture to show my support.
This year Comic Relief are supporting the Time to Change campaign which wants to bring to attention and to an end the discrimination that people with mental health problems can encounter. So, although it's a frightful picture of me, here's my bit for Comic Relief... If you are on facebook, bebo or myspace or just fancy it in a what the heck kind of way, you too can have a nose like mine through http://www.digitalrednose.com/ Just £1 and there's a choice of digital red noses. Unfortunately there's no choice of faces for me. xx
This year Comic Relief are supporting the Time to Change campaign which wants to bring to attention and to an end the discrimination that people with mental health problems can encounter. So, although it's a frightful picture of me, here's my bit for Comic Relief... If you are on facebook, bebo or myspace or just fancy it in a what the heck kind of way, you too can have a nose like mine through http://www.digitalrednose.com/ Just £1 and there's a choice of digital red noses. Unfortunately there's no choice of faces for me. xx
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
A Weight Lifted Update 11
Been a bit up and down over the last few weeks, but today the scales said 16st 4 3/4. I've now lost over 5% of my body weight and that's nearly a stone lost since Nov 2008. Sometimes it scares me and I have a wobble for a day or so, but I so want to say goodbye to the old strategies.
Total weight lost 13 1/4 lb
xx
Monday, 2 March 2009
The BK Blues - just for fun
Scientists have discovered a curious phenomenon which they are calling “The BK Blues”. It seems to be experienced by only a certain proportion of the population, but symptoms seem to be spreading worldwide slowly. The symptoms are a near permanent attachment to the internet, regular checking of certain websites, easy excitability and the desire to travel great distances at relative short notice. There is also a tendency to use smilies :). Sufferers have also been known to scrutinise financial constraints, holiday entitlements, maps, airport timetables and other transportation considerations, and then say “Oh sod it, I’m going to a concert”. At present there is no known cure. DVD and CD sales have reportedly gone up in the last few months.
(Just for fun and it's all just an excuse to put a picture of my favourite singer up on my blog - this one is a new one for promotion purposes - website http://www.briankennedy.co.uk/ . This year is Brian Kennedy's 20th year in the music business and there is supposed to be a UK tour going ahead sometime late April, early May, but only Irish dates have announced so far :(. I'm packing up my fears and going to his Dublin date in April, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the "First 20 years" tour goes ahead in the UK and dates are announced soon)
xx
Sunday, 1 March 2009
Whodunit?
I’m a bit of a whodunit fan – CSIs, Cold Case, Criminal Minds, that sort of thing. I don’t like the violence; it’s the intellectual exercise of working out the clues, the significant facts and the red herrings, to arrive at a conclusion.
Perhaps it’s the search that I’m making to find why I’m what I am that makes me look for the clues, try to find the red herrings and so get closer to work out and then forgetting those who helped to injury my authentic self as I try to rebuild it with the support of friends and positive people. Unfortunately it’s not an one hour TV show, where those who are evil are relatively easy to identify and bring justice to all. But I’m working it through.
xx
Perhaps it’s the search that I’m making to find why I’m what I am that makes me look for the clues, try to find the red herrings and so get closer to work out and then forgetting those who helped to injury my authentic self as I try to rebuild it with the support of friends and positive people. Unfortunately it’s not an one hour TV show, where those who are evil are relatively easy to identify and bring justice to all. But I’m working it through.
xx
Fear Cake
I was looking in the fridge this morning for some milk and for just a second I mistook a recipe for Pear Cake, I caught sight of on a butter pack, for Fear Cake and it got me thinking, as yesterday was a bad day for me.
I’ve been watching a series of programmes on satellite TV called Rehab, about people receiving holistic treatment for various addictions. This week’s addict used excess alcohol to blot out a violent and mental abusive former relationship that finished over 20 years ago, and it struck a chord. My addiction was food and whilst my ex was only violent once, the mental battering was as hard as domestic violence, but the scars are deeper. It finished 15 years ago, but it’s only more recently that I’ve felt safe, that I’ve felt that his threats against me as we separated would not be carried out. He has since separated from his second wife, and they have children, so I’m starting to feel safer.
But I ate Fear Cake for so many years – fear of violence, fear of being attacked (not just by him but by others and strangers), fear of about raped, and with that I tried to keep control of everything, to try to control the uncontrollable. Naturally I suffer from motion sickness, so there isn’t a lot that I can do about that, but even with that I can usually shut my eyes, think about other things, and remember that the sensation will pass eventually. As part of the rehab treatment, the addict was told under hypnosis to line all those who had abused her or belittled her up in front of her, along with the alcohol she used to medicate her past, and to tell all of them that she was taking her power back. I keep saying that I am taking my power back, and little by little, I will start to believe it and it will be. This is why I keep aiming to let go and to feel the fear and to do it anyway.
Yesterday, I did medicate myself with food, as I was depressed, but rather than eating the previously usual cakes and crisps, I ate fruit, a small packet of chocolate buttons and some low fat cakes, but not the cream doughnuts that were in the fridge for all of us for a special treat. (Before my weight loss decisions, I would have eaten all the doughnuts myself in one go and then eaten more things afterwards). So no fear cake for the moment – I’m trying to make better decisions and aiming for better.
xx
PS I weighed myself this morning and I was 16st 5.5, so the "over-eating" hadn't destroyed my losses, so I'm moving on.
I’ve been watching a series of programmes on satellite TV called Rehab, about people receiving holistic treatment for various addictions. This week’s addict used excess alcohol to blot out a violent and mental abusive former relationship that finished over 20 years ago, and it struck a chord. My addiction was food and whilst my ex was only violent once, the mental battering was as hard as domestic violence, but the scars are deeper. It finished 15 years ago, but it’s only more recently that I’ve felt safe, that I’ve felt that his threats against me as we separated would not be carried out. He has since separated from his second wife, and they have children, so I’m starting to feel safer.
But I ate Fear Cake for so many years – fear of violence, fear of being attacked (not just by him but by others and strangers), fear of about raped, and with that I tried to keep control of everything, to try to control the uncontrollable. Naturally I suffer from motion sickness, so there isn’t a lot that I can do about that, but even with that I can usually shut my eyes, think about other things, and remember that the sensation will pass eventually. As part of the rehab treatment, the addict was told under hypnosis to line all those who had abused her or belittled her up in front of her, along with the alcohol she used to medicate her past, and to tell all of them that she was taking her power back. I keep saying that I am taking my power back, and little by little, I will start to believe it and it will be. This is why I keep aiming to let go and to feel the fear and to do it anyway.
Yesterday, I did medicate myself with food, as I was depressed, but rather than eating the previously usual cakes and crisps, I ate fruit, a small packet of chocolate buttons and some low fat cakes, but not the cream doughnuts that were in the fridge for all of us for a special treat. (Before my weight loss decisions, I would have eaten all the doughnuts myself in one go and then eaten more things afterwards). So no fear cake for the moment – I’m trying to make better decisions and aiming for better.
xx
PS I weighed myself this morning and I was 16st 5.5, so the "over-eating" hadn't destroyed my losses, so I'm moving on.
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