I was looking in the fridge this morning for some milk and for just a second I mistook a recipe for Pear Cake, I caught sight of on a butter pack, for Fear Cake and it got me thinking, as yesterday was a bad day for me.
I’ve been watching a series of programmes on satellite TV called Rehab, about people receiving holistic treatment for various addictions. This week’s addict used excess alcohol to blot out a violent and mental abusive former relationship that finished over 20 years ago, and it struck a chord. My addiction was food and whilst my ex was only violent once, the mental battering was as hard as domestic violence, but the scars are deeper. It finished 15 years ago, but it’s only more recently that I’ve felt safe, that I’ve felt that his threats against me as we separated would not be carried out. He has since separated from his second wife, and they have children, so I’m starting to feel safer.
But I ate Fear Cake for so many years – fear of violence, fear of being attacked (not just by him but by others and strangers), fear of about raped, and with that I tried to keep control of everything, to try to control the uncontrollable. Naturally I suffer from motion sickness, so there isn’t a lot that I can do about that, but even with that I can usually shut my eyes, think about other things, and remember that the sensation will pass eventually. As part of the rehab treatment, the addict was told under hypnosis to line all those who had abused her or belittled her up in front of her, along with the alcohol she used to medicate her past, and to tell all of them that she was taking her power back. I keep saying that I am taking my power back, and little by little, I will start to believe it and it will be. This is why I keep aiming to let go and to feel the fear and to do it anyway.
Yesterday, I did medicate myself with food, as I was depressed, but rather than eating the previously usual cakes and crisps, I ate fruit, a small packet of chocolate buttons and some low fat cakes, but not the cream doughnuts that were in the fridge for all of us for a special treat. (Before my weight loss decisions, I would have eaten all the doughnuts myself in one go and then eaten more things afterwards). So no fear cake for the moment – I’m trying to make better decisions and aiming for better.
xx
PS I weighed myself this morning and I was 16st 5.5, so the "over-eating" hadn't destroyed my losses, so I'm moving on.
I’ve been watching a series of programmes on satellite TV called Rehab, about people receiving holistic treatment for various addictions. This week’s addict used excess alcohol to blot out a violent and mental abusive former relationship that finished over 20 years ago, and it struck a chord. My addiction was food and whilst my ex was only violent once, the mental battering was as hard as domestic violence, but the scars are deeper. It finished 15 years ago, but it’s only more recently that I’ve felt safe, that I’ve felt that his threats against me as we separated would not be carried out. He has since separated from his second wife, and they have children, so I’m starting to feel safer.
But I ate Fear Cake for so many years – fear of violence, fear of being attacked (not just by him but by others and strangers), fear of about raped, and with that I tried to keep control of everything, to try to control the uncontrollable. Naturally I suffer from motion sickness, so there isn’t a lot that I can do about that, but even with that I can usually shut my eyes, think about other things, and remember that the sensation will pass eventually. As part of the rehab treatment, the addict was told under hypnosis to line all those who had abused her or belittled her up in front of her, along with the alcohol she used to medicate her past, and to tell all of them that she was taking her power back. I keep saying that I am taking my power back, and little by little, I will start to believe it and it will be. This is why I keep aiming to let go and to feel the fear and to do it anyway.
Yesterday, I did medicate myself with food, as I was depressed, but rather than eating the previously usual cakes and crisps, I ate fruit, a small packet of chocolate buttons and some low fat cakes, but not the cream doughnuts that were in the fridge for all of us for a special treat. (Before my weight loss decisions, I would have eaten all the doughnuts myself in one go and then eaten more things afterwards). So no fear cake for the moment – I’m trying to make better decisions and aiming for better.
xx
PS I weighed myself this morning and I was 16st 5.5, so the "over-eating" hadn't destroyed my losses, so I'm moving on.
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