Now and then, in the between

I realised this a few weeks ago. I always would say to myself that I was going to do this and/or that when I was slimmer, when I had enough money, time, when I was good enough, stronger, more well etc. I presume that you get the picture... I was looking to the future rather than thinking about now, in the between, in the meantime. I would love myself when I was... etc. ... I then realised (and am still working on this) that I love myself for being me. Yes I'm unhappy with my size, the weight is a protection I developed relatively recently in the last 16-17 years after my first marriage but that's not me, it's my past wrapped bodily around me, and as I let go, that need will go too, because I'm protecting me from ME. There is a distinction about being happy with myself but wanting to lose the weight, because of what it represents - guilt, feeling not good enough, hating myself, punishing myself for perceived failures or failings and the troubling, unresolved aspects of my past. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and am working towards new colours, new experiences of things that have always been there but not really experienced until now. I am a work-in-progress but am working on it now, in the meantime, a day at a time.