(Son's sand drawing at Brittas Bay, on one of the best days of my life)I want to let go of my bad past, but in its talon-like grip, it still holds me, piercing my flesh, holding on. A smell, a song, a thought, a memory or sensation, and memories and nightmares from upto 20 years ago, pouring in as if it was yesterday, tightening the grip, ignoring my will. My hand is limp, so tired from the effort, exhausted from the fight, but the talons are strong, hurting just enough to keep it, unwilling, in my mind and keep the nightmares coming back from time to time. The memories of threats, insults, blows (both physical and mental), of bullying amd harsh treatment to keep me down, to keep me feeling undeserving... But there is still a little bit of me, defiant, unrubbed out, that doesn't believe, that is a whisper but who wants to shout. That little flame, a spark, waiting for the freeing breathe to become a fire.
This week I have been offered counselling through a charities-run mental health network who want to help me to deal with the past and then give me tools to strengthen me for the here and now. And so this week, whilst the work will be hard, I am hopeful that one day I will feel free and safe (finally).
:)
2 comments:
Dear Julie,
And that defiant part of you will shine ever brighter.
I am sure that your positive side will not be sabotaged by the negative aspects of a tormented past.
Those precious moments in your life, such as your son's sand drawing, are positive experiences to celebrate and cherish.
All the best with your counselling. I'm pleased that you are reaching out to a positive resource.
With respect, Gary x
Dear "A jewel shining through,"
You use such wonderfully descriptive phrases. This particular post written 'prose-like' manner.
I'm so glad you took the photo. Sand and sea spells creativity to me!
I wish you freedom and safety like you've never experienced. 'It's' about time.
Love, Dixie xx
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