Being Julie

From tomorrow, "Julie" is a year older - either aged 1 or 2, as last year was the first birthday I celebrated as "Julie" rather than "Julia - preferred name: Julie" or "Julia pretending to be a Julie", so I think tomorrow is my 2nd birthday as Julie, although I missed the 0 years, or were they the first 40 odd years?

Julia was my legal name, although actually both Julie and Julia appeared on my copy of my birth certificate although not at the same time. Julie was typed first and then, as it was back in the days of typewriters and correcting ribbons, the final "e" was removed and an "a" replaced over it. Over the years I wondered about the legality of my birth certificate as the Registrar's amendment was never signed or initialled and my parents never sought it to be amended, intending to call me "Julie", but for 40 odd years I was a "Julia pretending to be a Julie".

"Julia" had most of the qualifications, the driver's licence, the passport, although the name that I was known by had very little, so it was like being 2 people. Julia was business-like, straight-forward, fairly emotion-less, although she had my medical history, whilst Julie was child-like, a free-spirit, inquiring, but emotionally out of balance. I hoped the name change last year would bring the two-sides together, to bring balance, but so far it has highlighted how little I know about the true me.

A blank page? I think so after a year of some confusion, for I see now I have the time to start to define me rather than run away from the fear that I don't know who I am. Life begins at 40, they say, well for me it was in my 42nd year that I prepared to change my name - it had to be 42 that I did it otherwise I'd never get the courage up (Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy's answer to everything). So as my first official year of existence closes today, I am more hopeful for the next. I like being Julie - a jewel shining through.

xx