A Weight Lifted update 12

Recently a personal fog descended on me and it was hard to shine through. I went through a time of bingeing - to again try to fill the emptiness I sometimes let get to me. I had a revelation nearly a month ago that my depression rather than being an illness in itself might in fact be a symptom of another illness - borderline personality disorder - and that since that personal discovery I've been trying to get it professionally assessed. The bingeing has partly been the frustration that I might now have some understanding of myself and need some professional input but have had to wait for health service wheels to move that has got to me recently.

Finally I've got an appointment and I hope that my discovery may open new avenues of help, as I'd often been left with the feeling before that resources ran out because it was felt that my dis-ease was too hard/complex to deal with and that I was not trying - the furtherest thing from the truth, as I don't want to be in the mood places I have been. I certainly remember that one CPN I had put me on a training course when I wasn’t at a place for it to help but just because she did not “know what else to do with me”. Unfortunately BPD is a controversial diagnosis, if that’s what I have, as some mental health practitioners feel that it is something that cannot be treated as it implies “someone's whole personality is flawed - rather than just one aspect of them. Some psychiatrists argue that it's impossible to treat someone's personality and that it's wrong to apply medical terms and treatments to a personality. This means it's usually the symptoms of BPD that are treated, rather than the disorder as a whole.” (Mind’s information on Understanding BPD - http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+borderline+personality+disorder.htm).

BPD is sometimes referred to as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, and the charity Mind go on to say that “[because] of the controversy surrounding this diagnosis, services are often not readily available” – well, there goes just my usual luck, then. Reading the symptoms for a diagnosis certainly sounded like parts of my life, particularly from the past, which strangely I've felt comforting. I’m unsure whether I will be diagnosed now with it as for some things I have been able to move on – particularly on my previous issues on abandonment, but I have an appointment in 3 weeks, so at least have a chance to bring this discovery up and see what resources are available to move on from an initial diagnosis of post natal depression and anxiety from just over 11 years ago.

Anyway this post was for a “Weight Lifted” situation, and the discovery of the aspects of BPD has helped me to know that some things about me may well be because of this and not me being unco-operative or difficult as I have felt that I have been labelled by others. I always felt as though part of me had a secret that I didn’t want to tell the rest of me and this I believe I’ve now found out in starting to believe the memory I had several years ago after hypnosis of being sexually assaulted as a child aged about 8 by an older girl. Believing it happened (rather than it being a false memory as I originally thought) makes other things fall into place.

My tummy bug did cause me to lose quite a bit of weight, but the bingeing took it back and I went back up to 16st, having been down to 15st 11.5. However, today I haven’t binged and yesterday I binged less and this morning I was 15st 13.5. 16st was a psychological barrier for a while, so I wasn’t mentally ready to be that weight, but I have again achieved it. I also was frightened that in the loss of a few more pounds, I would have lost 10% of my body weight, but I’ll take that battle on when it comes, not for a few weeks yet now. So:

Today’s weight 15st 13.5
Total lost 18.5lb

Things have been a bit up and down for the last few weeks, emotionally and physically, but my inner strength still sparkles through. Been away a while, but I’m walking back again, little steps, on the way. We’re away next week, off to Brecon, and my son and I are off to see John Barrowman in concert on Saturday – can’t wait. The fog didn’t allow me to think about holidays and the concert, but I got the tickets through the post yesterday, and so, only now, it’s starting to seem real and I feel excited, as the fog lifts. Usually I have things planned or ideas for places to go to on holiday, but the run up hasn’t been usual. Luckily I have guidebooks, maps etc from other holidays in Wales, and I think the Hay Literary Festival’s on, so we can plan when we get there, and I’m sure once we have stopped the caravan and put down “roots”, the holiday will be fine.

So not the usual fireworks today to celebrate a weight lost, but a ripple picture to show how one little thing, a discovery, can have dramatic effects on a surface and below.

xx