The last few weeks have been a bit of a revelation.
I had surgery on my elbow just over a week ago (I’m typing this left-handed only) and as a consequence, I’ve had to accept help to do what ordinarily I would consider to be the most simplest things for me – to eat the last few spoonfuls of a yogurt pot, to butter bread etc – and accept the “meantime” whilst I wait for the pain, swelling and stiffness to subside. I was expecting some pain, but being told that it would involve only “one stitch”, I wasn’t ready for a 4cm incision to be on my elbow. I was expecting not to be able to do some things but not as many no-nos as present. So I’m developing techniques to wash and dress, learning to eat left-handed (after difficult things have been chopped up for me) and learning the least painful sleeping positions to let my body heal itself. I’ve also learnt that I’m hypersensitive to codeine so won’t be being that again any time soon.
In counselling, just before my surgery, we’d been working through my past issues and in quite short space of time, I/we’ve moved on quite fast, such that I’ve been able to let go of some difficult times. Originally I looked to my past to define me, meaning I stayed its victim, because I don’t know who am I now, for which I mentally beat myself, but not knowing is ok, as this is the time available to me to work it out. So rather then running away from the space to work out, I’m starting to accept I can try, make mistakes, and make new ideas, rather than be the shivering jelly too afraid to make a move at all. I don’t have to like my past and yes some of it was so unfair, but I am starting to accept that the patterns I thought I saw in the events were not really there and the past is not an indicator of my future, and should not be an invader of my present. I was hoping to control everything to protect me from the unknown, but that is impossible, change and uncertainty aren’t like that, so I’m starting to accept that too. Last counselling session I hardly cried as I kept my thoughts in the here and now – if you remember I was asked to concentrate on the present for the week – and since then, I’ve worked really hard doing that, although for holidaying in Southern Ireland for the week before surgery, that wasn’t so much of a chore. (We had a brilliant time being together and seeing friends and family).
So I am learning to accept, to detach the emotions from the past, let go of the hurt and the pain, starting looking to a future (although not too far ahead) and to live each day and as many moments as I can, trying to see/feel/taste/hear/smell/breathe the newness of that moment rather than the staleness of life passed by. I now wear a bracelet that says “life is for living” to remind me of this.
x
I had surgery on my elbow just over a week ago (I’m typing this left-handed only) and as a consequence, I’ve had to accept help to do what ordinarily I would consider to be the most simplest things for me – to eat the last few spoonfuls of a yogurt pot, to butter bread etc – and accept the “meantime” whilst I wait for the pain, swelling and stiffness to subside. I was expecting some pain, but being told that it would involve only “one stitch”, I wasn’t ready for a 4cm incision to be on my elbow. I was expecting not to be able to do some things but not as many no-nos as present. So I’m developing techniques to wash and dress, learning to eat left-handed (after difficult things have been chopped up for me) and learning the least painful sleeping positions to let my body heal itself. I’ve also learnt that I’m hypersensitive to codeine so won’t be being that again any time soon.
In counselling, just before my surgery, we’d been working through my past issues and in quite short space of time, I/we’ve moved on quite fast, such that I’ve been able to let go of some difficult times. Originally I looked to my past to define me, meaning I stayed its victim, because I don’t know who am I now, for which I mentally beat myself, but not knowing is ok, as this is the time available to me to work it out. So rather then running away from the space to work out, I’m starting to accept I can try, make mistakes, and make new ideas, rather than be the shivering jelly too afraid to make a move at all. I don’t have to like my past and yes some of it was so unfair, but I am starting to accept that the patterns I thought I saw in the events were not really there and the past is not an indicator of my future, and should not be an invader of my present. I was hoping to control everything to protect me from the unknown, but that is impossible, change and uncertainty aren’t like that, so I’m starting to accept that too. Last counselling session I hardly cried as I kept my thoughts in the here and now – if you remember I was asked to concentrate on the present for the week – and since then, I’ve worked really hard doing that, although for holidaying in Southern Ireland for the week before surgery, that wasn’t so much of a chore. (We had a brilliant time being together and seeing friends and family).
So I am learning to accept, to detach the emotions from the past, let go of the hurt and the pain, starting looking to a future (although not too far ahead) and to live each day and as many moments as I can, trying to see/feel/taste/hear/smell/breathe the newness of that moment rather than the staleness of life passed by. I now wear a bracelet that says “life is for living” to remind me of this.
x
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