Because of You revisited

Five years ago, I was having counselling and as a result wrote a couple of pieces I called "because of you" listing the many things I was angry or upset about. Today I revisited the original list and changed the tense of the statements and wrote a forgiving statement at the bottom, as my way of letting go of the "unfairness" that I felt. The "you" is more than one person, but this is how it felt.

Because of You:

- I felt that you couldn’t care for me
- I used to go over and over the things you said to me to try to find the loving messages in your words.
- I sought out love and sometimes ended up in places or situations I did not really want to be in.
- I accepted teasing as a form of love, when really I wanted to be told that I was loved, rather than bullied. - I was completely unprepared for life.
- I was naïve and trusting in some respects and completely untrusting in others.
- I found it hard to make friends.
- My openness was often misinterpreted because I was given no guidance on life.
- You broke my total trust in people when you left.
- My self-confidence was destroyed and I became paranoid.
- I accepted situations where I was undervalued and dehumanised. - I was left to hold our family together.
- My existence wasn’t acknowledged, and my efforts to grow emotionally were ignored.
- I learnt to suppress my feelings and emotions and did not learn how to balance these out.
- I tried to sort out all my problems by myself, and stopped growing emotionally.
- I did not have the birth I had wanted for my son.
- I was unable to breastfeed my son.
- I lost the first 24 hours of my son’s life.
- I was in physical pain for several months.
- I was left unsupported for the first few weeks of my son’s life.
- I had to lie to my son as to why we can’t see you and I hate this.
- I spent half my life fighting myself to stay in your life.
- I spent time mentally beating myself up for your problems.
- I could not understand how you could not want to be involved or see my pains as a child.
- I have been in emotional pain most of my life.
- I have been a perfectionist.
- I have found it so difficult to see any good in me.
- I saw my worth in monetary values, not in what I am.
- I saw myself as empty, or of no worth.
- I gave my power away.
- I was frightened.
- I saw things only in terms of failure.
- I felt I was never enough.
- I was responsible for others when I was still only a child.
- At times, I had a very unhappy childhood.
- I lost my grandad early.
- I knew nothing about my family
- I had little sense of roots.
- I used to expect to move regularly and detach from places and things easily, or cling on when there is no need.
- I was afraid of the unknown.
- I felt I was not deserving of the best in life, as I would break it or somehow mess it up.
- I felt I did not deserve compliments.
- I undervalued my need to be creative.
- I undervalued being an individual.
- I thought I was ugly both inside and out.
- I was needy.
- I was a victim.
- I didn’t know what I want.
- I felt an outsider in our family as I have so many emotions and have no real way of expressing them.

But in order to move on, I forgive you. I acknowledge these thoughts and worries, they served me for a while, but I no longer need to hold onto the pain associated with them. Now I forgive me.