Paralysis of Analysis

As you probably know, I’ve been feeling pretty empty for the last few weeks, like a husk, so I started reading a book “Zen and the Art of Happiness” by Chris Prentiss and it has given me some food for thought. I often feel empty around now, as the run-up to Christmas emphasises family and whilst hubby, me and son are a strong unit, the time highlights the absence of my other family members.

The book’s main message is that “Every event that befalls me is absolutely the best possible event that could occur”. This doesn’t mean that all the bad things that happen are good, but it is about how we approach the “next moment”. I’ve always been a thinker. I don’t remember being told that I was loved or that I was beautiful as a child. I used to go over and over the things said to me to try and find the loving messages in the words. Being told off was better than nothing. But being called stupid for so long, where is the loving message there? I feel paralysed at times from starting things because of the negative past messages, that I won’t amount to much, that I would fail, but I am still here.

The book contains many sayings from Buddhism and one particularly resonated with me from The Dhammapada:

“Your worst enemy cannot harm you
As much as your own thoughts, unguarded.
But once mastered,
No one can help you as much.”

When people would say that the answer was within me for my depression, I found that advice so unhelpful as I was unable to find those answers. I now think that the answers will be there intuitively once I learn more about myself, as I began to piece together who I am. Analysis is a bit of a two-edged sword – you can gaze too deeply into that belly button, but I need to think, to learn, to develop who I am, to fill the hole in my soul. I am still thinking, but I'm trying to re-focus on my present, rather than too much of my past.

xx