This is a poem I wrote in 2005 when I was receiving counselling from a women's group for abuse and bullying that I had received as a child and again as a young adult. The "yous" are different people that were in my life, but each added their actions to the equation. I've revised the poem a little, but it is very honest and is now my attempt at explaining my inner critic in words and how I used to feel. My anger is gone as I have been able to let go of the guilt I felt for my role in keeping the situations going. I now realise that parts of my past were not my fault, but I own that I kept the punishment of me going internally, when I should have challenged my inner critic's so called "evidence" of worthlessness and guilt. I'm not that person anymore. I am still haunted by parts of my past, but I am learning to forgive and let go.
What I said was that I blame You: I didn’t say that it was your Fault
You made me feel stupid when I wasn’t,
You took advantage when I was naïve.
You didn’t see when I was hurt.
You made me eat lies, and feel worse about myself.
The problem is that you stopped.
But I added to it.
I took the flawed evidence,
Drank in your poison
And found me wanting, found myself guilty;
Tried in the absence of my real self -
And I knew the words that really hurt
And where, in the dark, to truly twist the knife.
So now I’m the problem,
Not you.
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Not a happy poem, but a recognition of my situation then and a resolution to move on from the hurt that I had. I've included it to show truth and honesty, and as a contrast or measure of how far I have come from there. I try not to blame or apportion fault now, but try to look at what people say now and measure it against my truth. Guilt still sometimes raises its ugly head, but I know that those things were in the past and that now that I know better, I aim to do better. That person who was me is now a foreign land, with border guards and high walls to keep it from sabotaging the newer me, the real me, again. Occasionally the guards fail and my past interrupts my present, but I look at it, look at the truth and then look away, looking back at the present and the me that I have now. That's all I can do. I've "served" my time, suffered the punishment, now I move forward as best as I can and remember to be human, and not so hard on myself.
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4 comments:
Dear friend,
My own life tells me I can never be where you are. I am in awe of your transparency and your eloquent writing. dc
Dc, give it time. Never is a very long time, you never know what you may be capable of given time, and support.
Dear jewel,
A poignant and thought provoking poem. Thank you for your ongoing transparency. Thank you for sharing with us, as you verbalise your precious thoughts.
Warm wishes klahanie.
Thank you Khalanie - as a fellow inner critic sufferer, I was not sure how you might feel about this. In fact I wasn't sure whether or not to share the poem/thoughts at all, but hopefully talking about some aspects helps others. My transparency only goes so far, but the bullies and the abusers rely on the silence. I was silent and time has passed, so perhaps the people aren't what they were, but I can use the general to cut some of that silence and heal me.
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